Sometimes when you’re in a dark place you think you’ve been buried, but actually you’ve been planted.
It’s been literally years. Years of ideas, years of advice. Years of disappointing myself. Years of writing on paper ideas, notes to self, advice to myself, and even threatening myself. A few years ago I jumped on a little band wagon of blogging. It was around the time I was pregnant with Knox (I didn’t know it at the time). I blogged for a cause. I had started a blog called LoveLeap. I even recruited an amazing team of friends with an undying love for my family to help in addition to the blog , an amazing nonprofit. I started Loveleap when I learned our oldest was autistic.
(Honestly, I totally had the intention of writing this blog now introducing my family. Haha, funny how fingers just start typing and this is what lands on the digital paper.) When I started blogging it was very freeing, as I felt at the time I was suffocating in the unknown. I may actually still be living in that “don’t know what Im doing” area code, but I have way more ease to me some years later. It only took a few blogs about sadness, research, exhaustion when it comes to raising a toddler with autism, to finally let the actual exhaustion and pregnancy, morning sickness to take me out of the game, and out of the state of Georgia where we were living at the time.
some women fear the fire. some women simply become it.
Before children , and even marriage, I had so many dreams…many of which I have accomplished in some way. I have many more up my sleeve, but over the years, marriage, raising a special needs child, and growing a family puts everything on the back burner. But it also does something else. It changes you. Okay, it changed me. I didn’t see it coming. I am the kind of person who loves , welcomes, embraces change. I do hair and makeup for a living - I thrive on it all. The side effects of all the newness is what I wasn’t ready for. After feeling like I gave up on my old blog/Nonprofit Loveleap, I really started feeling one day at a time that I started giving up on myself one day at a time. To a certain extent I do feel like marriage and children will do such a thing in a graceful selfless kind of way anyway. This might have been different, I cant tell honestly. All I know now looking back, is that I felt a level of disappointment in the world, shame in speaking honestly about my life and guilt about anything ! Wow this is a really depressing first blog!!!!
I am saying all of this to say that life has no path that is certain, right or wrong. Every path is our own. At some point in time I started caring more about how others were living rather than focusing on all that I had, what I cared about most and even more excitingly what I was going to attack next in life! I read a quote not too long ago saying something like this (ps it seriously wrecked me): “For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. If you find that you’re not I hope you have the courage to start all over again.” -F. Scott Fitzgerald
The last line settled it all for me. I know Im just ready to start over. Forgive myself of the messiness, the guilt I have given my own self and start living unapologetically, I know we are all just doing the best we can. I hope you can enjoy my worst and my best . Love Steph